In Through the Out Door, and Other Dumbasses’ Mistakes: Take a Walk on the Right Side

God help those people too stupid to move to the right when they walk up stairs—because you and I both know they can’t help themselves.

Listen, this is America, not some backwoods country like England or Jamaica where they don’t know any better. In America, we drive on the right, we walk on the right, because we are right, not wrong like so many other people in otherwise, so-called developed nations. Yet every day, seemingly normal, God-fearing Christian homegrown Americans break this accepted social convention, threatening to tear at the red, white, and blue fabric foundation of our country.

Take, for example, students—and dare I say professors and staff members—in Wallace Hall who simply refuse to give others the right of way by walking on the right. Not only does one take his life in his hands by navigating the chaotic hallways between classes, the stairwells are a virtual deathtrap, and not due to overcrowding. Apparently, the front entry doors perfectly align with the left side of a rather wide stairway. I know because I’ve taken measurements and used my slide rule to confirm my suspicions. To shift themselves over 3.68 feet in the vestibule before they arrive at the staircase must be too much trouble for these jaywalkers; consequently, they stay in the left lane, clutching the railing, seemingly to maintain balance against the dizzying forces of leftism, even as they walk all the way to the fourth floor. Well, at least they aren’t all fat.

This spatial transgression might be okay except that the people who do this never look at anything besides their feet. Consequently, when normal, law-abiding folks are walking down the stairs, they do so at great personal risk of being head butted by these distracted anti-American morons. Well, I for one am sick of it. From now on, I refuse to make exceptions for their lack of social conventions. I figure if I get head butted that it will only hurt once, but if they fall down the stairs backwards, they’ll feel a might more pain.

Passing to the left or right. Does it matter?

Consider this: in 1975, the government-funded a study to look at how which side of the road people drove on might explain why America had so many tornadoes. The operating theory, it seems, was that because we drove on the right we Americans were destined to be targets in some kind of twisted, highwind target practice. Seriously? Yes. What did scientists discover after spending all that hard-earned tax money on the study? They learned the government will fund any idea, no matter how stupid, if you just write a compelling 87-page grant and use a pleasing font. I bet those same scientists wouldn’t get the hell out of our way, either, while they head downstairs to spend yours and my tax dollars on steaks and prostitutes. But I digress.

The real issue at hand is simple. If you walk up or down stairs on the left, you may be one of those left-wing, pinko commies or one of those dad gum liberals my parents warned us so much about. We’ve got our eye on you. We’ve got our other eye on the stairs, thanks to you, you defiant rebel.

Heck, maybe we need to fund a study to see if leftist people, not vehicular traffic, cause tornadoes. What do you say? I can start tomorrow for a grant of say $400,000, payable in advance. Just for the first year, of course. After that, it’ll cost you more to compile the voluminous statistical data, which will take about two years.

Walk on the right as God intended or you better buy some mail-order Flubber® and bounce yourself up and down the staircase.

Just like members in Congress, we’re not going to budge an inch for you left-sided people anymore.

Here’s a thought for you transgressors: Look up occasionally, and get the hell out of our way. We’re right. And you’re not James Dean for a day. Take a walk on the right side.

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